This Innocent Behavior Made Me An Outcast
Have you ever felt pressured to change yourself to fit in?
Back in college, I found myself spending time with some friends in a cramped dorm room. One of them, let’s call her Sarah, started telling a story. Halfway through her tale, a curse word slipped out, adding some spice to her frustration. Something unexpected happened immediately after. Sarah’s eyes darted to me, and she apologized.
I was puzzled. Why apologize to me? She hadn’t offended me; she was just telling a story about herself. After she finished, I couldn’t resist asking her about it.
“Hey, Sarah,” I said, scratching my head, “why did you apologize to me?”
She responds with this: “Oh, you know. It’s just that, well, you don’t really curse. You’re innocent.”
I sat there, mulling over her words. Innocent? It was a label I hadn’t thought about before. But now, it was right there, staring me in the face.
Flash forward a few months, and I found myself in my dorm room. My roommate’s friends had gathered, heads close together, whispering urgently. It was clear they were stuck on something and needed help. I chimed in, “do you guys need help with something?”
One of the guys hesitated, then leaned in closer, his expression torn. “You won’t say anything, right?”
I was taken aback. What could they possibly be hiding? Still trying to navigate my way through freshman year, I shrugged and agreed. “Sure, I won’t say a word.”
And then it came out – they were planning to drink that night. I mean, seriously? That was the big secret? I felt a sense of relief, but then asked, “why were you guys whispering before?”
The guy’s answer caught me off guard. “Well, you know” he replied, “it’s because you’re innocent. You don’t curse or anything.”
The innocent label again? When did cursing become the litmus test for innocence? Sure, in some ways, I fit the bill. Cursing just wasn’t my thing. But now it was becoming a barrier to my social life. Did I really need to start spouting expletives just to fit in?
Growing up, I never quite found enjoyment in the activities typically favored by boys (or what appeared to be all boys). While my peers reveled in violent video games, crude (and at times, offensive) jokes, and the regular profanity, those things just didn’t sit right with me. I’m not here to judge – to each their own. But for me, it was never about conforming to the norm. Did that make me any less of a man? At the time, it was hard to believe otherwise.
Over time, I’ve learned that life isn’t so clear-cut. Being a man isn’t about fitting neatly into a predefined box of do’s and don’ts. Society often paints masculinity with broad strokes, telling us we’ll lose our “man card” if we don’t conform to certain expectations. But the truth is, there is a lot of gray area in between.
My story about feeling pressured to curse is an innocent one (see what I did there). Swap out cursing for any number of behaviors boys are pushed into at a young age – getting into fights, talking disrespectfully about girls and women, experimenting with alcohol or drugs, you name it. Boys are pressured to conform in many ways.
By the time middle school rolls around, there’s this unspoken expectation to shed our innocence. Not understanding the dirty jokes, the slang, or sexual terms became a barrier to fitting in. It’s like a rite of passage, a signal that you are ready to join the ranks of those who “get it” – even if “it” is just crude humor and adult themes.
But now, as a grown-up who has been exposed to the adult world, I’ve come to appreciate that innocence I once had as a boy. There is something truly special about seeing the world through fresh eyes. Sure, life has a way of knocking us around, but there’s a quiet strength in those who refuse to let it tarnish their innocence, regardless of age.
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