This Gendered Message Shook My Confidence

The Role of Positive Messaging in Children’s Success

“Whoa, how many books are in this library?” I thought as I walked up the staircase with my fourth-grade peers circling around me. This field trip to the local library had kicked off with excitement. When the adults signaled for us to explore the books, I went straight to a shelf and grabbed the first one I noticed. On the cover was a boy my age with detective gear, ready to unravel a mystery! As I flipped through the pages, I caught snippets of the adults’ conversation.

They were discussing our reading levels, mentioning my friend Becca’s level, seemingly on par with our grade. I focused back on my book until I heard my name. They mentioned my reading level was lower, but it was okay because “boys learn slower.”

That sentence mentally knocked me over. Was I not smart? I am a boy, so am I destined to a life of reading slower? Unfortunately, these questions lingered with me through the next several years.  

Reading slower than my peers became a reality. During silent reading sessions in class, I’d hear their pages flip quicker than mine. When we would group read, I would perfect my reading-out-loud ability to avoid embarrassment, even if it meant I didn’t retain one thing. My reading scores were lower on standardized tests, which confused me since all my other scores were top notch. I stopped reading entirely at one point, opting for SparkNotes or focusing all my energy on math and science.

Ironically, I now read for pleasure as an adult. It’s not a requirement, but a choice. I may not be the fastest reader in the bunch, but reading speed should never have been a metric that I needed to measure.

If I didn’t hear the phrase “boys learn slower” as a child, would I have hated reading as much as I did?

There is no way I can know the answer to this question, but one thing is clear: children pick up on more than we realize. Words spoken around them matter, shaping their beliefs. While they might not have the reasoning skills to contextualize each message, the messages still impact how they see themselves and the world.

This phenomenon extends beyond reading, seen in phrases like “boys don’t cry” or “you throw like a girl.” Such messages persist, impacting how children understand their abilities and place in the world.

Ultimately, we want children to grow up in a world where they do not feel limited by any identity or ability, but rather feel empowered to be whoever they want to be.

What messages were you told as a child that you still remember to this day, and how did they impact you? Leave a comment below. I would love to hear them!

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