They Dismiss my American Upbringing, What Do I Do?
"Ask The Multicultural Man" is a new advice column, offering advice on multicultural identities and healthy masculinity.
Ask The Multicultural Man
Dear Multicultural Man,
I’m facing a difficult situation with my cousins who recently moved to the United States from Malaysia. They assume they understand exactly how I have grown up here, but the reality is quite different. I was born and raised in the U.S., which is different than moving to the U.S. as an adult.
For example, they expect me to adhere to all Malaysian cultural norms, such as getting married by a certain age. However, they don’t recognize that growing up in the U.S. means I see the world differently. I view marriage as a choice, not a requirement, but they can’t understand this because they see us both as simply Malaysian. When I try to explain that our upbringings and cultures differ, they dismiss my perspective and insist that I should be more like them. This frustrates me.
Interestingly, I feel that their children, who will be born and raised in the U.S. will likely understand my experiences better because they will grow up in a similar environment. How can I navigate these cultural differences with my cousins and help them understand that my upbringing is not the same as theirs?
Sincerely,
Caught in the Middle
Dear Caught in the Middle,
Thank you for sharing your experience. I can relate to your situation, as I also grew up in the U.S. while my familial roots are in India. My family has held onto many cultural traditions and beliefs, both big and small. These range from expectations around marriage—such as getting married, having a traditional ceremony, and having children—to smaller customs, like avoiding certain activities on inauspicious days. While these practices are not wrong, they don’t always align with how I was socialized in the U.S.
Like you, I grew up observing both my Indian heritage and the American culture surrounding me. Those without a multicultural identity may not understand the multiple influences in our upbringing.
When cultural expectations clash—like when you express your decision not to marry—it can feel disrespectful to our families. This is a difficult and often misunderstood aspect of our experience.
Recently, I conducted an interview with Mohammed Jibriel, a PhD student in public health, who also has a multicultural identity. Ethnically Sudanese, he grew up in Saudi Arabia and has lived in both Russia and the U.S. as an adult. When I asked how he balances these cultures, he responded:
I think at this point I have my own culture. When people ask me where I am from, I struggle a lot with that question. All these places shaped who I am. Sudan has shaped me. Saudi Arabia has shaped me. I’ve spent most of my adult life in the US and I feel that North Carolina has shaped me. These cultures intersect to create the culture that I have today.
I resonate with his sentiment about having his own culture, and I imagine many others do too.
To maintain a good relationship with your cousins, try sharing personal stories that highlight the differences in your upbringing. These narratives make abstract concepts more relatable. For instance, my sister and I grew up celebrating American holidays like Halloween every year with our neighbors, who became like family to us. We also had more involved celebrations for American holidays like Thanksgiving than we did for Indian holidays like Diwali or Ugadi (New Year). These experiences showcase how our holidays, for instance, differed from what my cousins in India would have experienced.
Additionally, approach your conversations with empathy and patience. Remember that your cousins are adjusting to a new country and culture and may look to you for a sense of familiarity. Acknowledging their perspective while gently sharing yours can bridge the gap. Emphasize that your experience growing up in the U.S. can be valuable as they raise their children here, highlighting your understanding of American culture, norms, and systems.
Navigating cultural differences is a journey that requires effort from both sides. By communicating openly and empathetically, you can help your cousins understand that your upbringing in the U.S. has provide you with a different, yet equally valid, perspective.
Warm regards,
The Multicultural Man
Ask The Multicultural Man is an advice column focused on questions around multicultural identities and healthy masculinity. If you would like to submit a question, send me a direct message or leave a comment on this post. Your name will be anonymized if your question is shared.
The advice provided in this column is for informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional guidance tailored to your individual circumstances.
New Interview: Mohammed Jibriel
I had the incredible opportunity to speak with Mohammed Jibriel, a PhD student in public health at the University of North Carolina Greensboro. Juggling Sudanese, Saudi Arabian, Russian, and American cultures, Mohammed exemplifies what it means to live a multicultural life.Â
In our conversation, he shared how these diverse cultural influences have shaped his open-mindedness, allowing him to navigate new territories with insight. From reflecting on his multicultural background to discussing his thoughts on gender and masculinity, Mohammed offered a profound look into his life’s journey.