Should he pay?

Navigating gender expectations and defining our own values. Read more!

Jun 04, 2024

I have seen many conversations online debating whether a man should pay when he is on a date. In a world where feminism increasingly challenges us to rethink traditional aspects of our lives that may hinder gender equality, this question is neither new nor unexpected in the realm of social media.

Men are taught from a young age that they should be the breadwinners and providers for their families – a gender expectation. This notion ties masculinity to money, creating a rigid standard that can be damaging.

In our June book pick, We Should All Be Feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, she poses an intriguing question: “What if both boys and girls were raised not to link masculinity and money?” This question challenges the traditional roles assigned to men and encourages us to think differently about gender expectations.

Adichie’s insight is powerful because it highlights a fundamental problem with gender roles: they dictate how we should be instead of recognizing how we are. This resonates deeply with my belief in living authentically and not letting others dictate our internal definitions of masculinity.

The conversation about whether men should pay for their dates is just one example of how gender expectations can influence our behavior. It’s not that men shouldn’t pay; it’s simply one point of view that applies to some people’s situations. This debate often overlooks other types of situations, such as queer relationships with multiple men or no men, diverse financial situations, and cultural differences.

One of the worst things we can do for our health and well-being is to follow societal expectations blindly without questioning whether they make sense for us. This applies to more than just who pays for dinner. When we use someone else’s definition of what is masculine to define our self-worth, we set ourselves up for failure. We are all different and need to find what works for us and our unique situations.

Moreover, adhering strictly to traditional gender roles or others’ definitions of masculinity can lead to harmful behaviors. The pressure to conform to these roles can escalate, resulting in beliefs that men should always be dominant or aggressive. Such expectations are detrimental, as they encourage behavior that can harm others.

The process of discerning what aligns with your values and what does not is crucial. By defining our own values and not letting gender expectations dictate our worth and life, we can live more authentically and make choices that are right for us.