How I Communicate When I Have a Conflict
Violence doesn’t solve problems and silence doesn’t make them disappear. Communication is key. Read more!
For most of my life, I avoided confrontation. It was easier that way—or so I thought. If someone said or did something that upset me, I’d brush it off, convincing myself that keeping the peace was better than addressing the problem. Why risk making things awkward or worse? But over time, I started to notice a pattern: the peace I thought I was keeping wasn’t real. Resentment built quietly, and unresolved issues piled up.
It finally hit me when a friend made an offhand comment that felt deeply unsupportive. I don’t even think they realized it, but their words stung. For days, I replayed the moment in my head, imagining all the things I could have said. The silence between us grew heavier—not because they had said something hurtful, but because I hadn’t told them how I felt. That’s when I realized I couldn’t keep letting things slide. If I valued the relationship, I had to speak up.
Choosing When to Confront
Not every situation requires confrontation, of course. If a stranger bumps into me at a coffee shop, I’m not going to pull them aside to discuss personal boundaries. But when it comes to people I care about—friends, family, or even colleagues—avoiding issues can damage the relationship. I’ve learned that confrontation isn’t just about calling someone out; it’s about creating an opportunity to communicate, fix what’s wrong, and move forward.
Reframing Confrontation
At first, the idea of confronting someone felt overwhelming. I didn’t know how to start, or what I wanted to say. Over time, I developed a framework that made the process feel more intentional and less intimidating.
The first step was understanding why I was confronting someone. What was my goal? Was it just to vent my frustration, or did I genuinely want to repair the relationship? For example, with my friend, I realized my goal wasn’t to punish them for their comment but to explain how it had hurt me and how we could avoid similar misunderstandings in the future.
Next, I thought about what the ideal version of our relationship looked like. I wanted a friendship where we supported each other, but their comment didn’t feel supportive. Framing the issue this way helped me focus on the bigger picture: not just what went wrong, but what I wanted to make right.
Finding the Right Words
Confrontation can quickly go wrong if it feels like an attack. I’ve learned to stay focused on the issue at hand and speak from my own perspective. Instead of blaming or listing every past grievance, I try to share how I felt and why the incident mattered to me. For instance, I told my friend, “I value our friendship and want us to support each other. When you said that, it felt dismissive, and it’s been bothering me.”
Framing the conversation around shared values makes a big difference. It shifts the focus from “you did something wrong” to “this is how we can do better together.” When people see that you’re working toward a mutual goal, they’re more likely to listen and engage constructively.
A Broader Lesson on Masculinity
This journey has also made me think about how men are often taught to handle conflict—or rather, not handle it at all. In many cultures, it’s seen as normal for men to deal with problems through aggression or silence. Talking things out? That’s often dismissed as weak or unnecessary.
But violence doesn’t solve problems, and silence doesn’t make them disappear. A fight might let someone blow off steam, but it rarely addresses the deeper issue. Avoiding the conversation altogether just lets hurt and misunderstandings linger. Confrontation, on the other hand, is a way to fix problems at their root.
I want to see a world where men feel empowered to handle conflict with maturity and empathy, where we model healthy confrontation for young boys and future generations. Teaching kids that it’s okay—and even necessary—to talk about their feelings and resolve issues can create a more understanding, compassionate society.
Moving Forward
Confrontation is still scary sometimes. I can’t control how someone will react or whether they’ll change their behavior. But I’ve learned that speaking up gives people the chance to grow and strengthens the relationships that matter most.
When I look back at my conversation with my friend, I don’t regret it. In fact, it brought us closer. They appreciated that I trusted them enough to share my feelings.
Avoiding confrontation may seem easier in the moment, but it comes at a cost. Real peace—whether in our friendships, families, or even society—comes from having the courage to address what’s wrong and work toward something better. That’s the kind of future I want to build, one honest conversation at a time.